Letting Go and Holding On: Navigating a Loved One's Possessions
Family Matters
It’s tough when people we care about pass away, regardless of how close we are to them. When our loved ones pass away, someone has to be the one to go through all their worldly possessions. I never really considered this until recently. Although we have been downsizing over the last 5 years, people naturally obtain more stuff over time. Going through a loved one’s belongings can be both a daunting task and an amazing journey.
It is typically necessary to go through the possessions of someone who has passed away within a short time after their passing. Sorting through these items can increase the sadness of the person already grieving. While most of us understand that we cannot take it when we go, we may not consider what will happen to our prized piggy bank collection when we leave it behind us. Would I expect my loved ones to hang on to a collection that means a lot to me, even if they detest piggy banks?
A tough one
The decision to keep or get rid of these items can torture the person having to make it. Feeling the guilt of family obligation can be a lot to deal with. The need to keep the memories alive or recognize the time and energy that someone put into gathering that collection pulls at their heart. One must also consider if they have the room to keep the treasures they believe necessary to keep.
There is no right or wrong answer, in my opinion, to this personal decision. This is not a question that someone else can answer for you. Only you can determine if you will be okay with yourself if you choose not to keep all or part of the things left behind. You are the only one who can determine what you have room for (although this may also impact your direct family members if you don’t live alone).
What to do
Where do you take the stuff that you do not want to keep? You can always consider shelters nearby, either for people or animals. These places are frequently in need of bedding and other household items. Old phones can be sold or donated to abuse advocacy programs. You can hold a garage sale or sell the items on the marketplace.
The journey
On the other side, it can be a fascinating adventure exploring articles, knick-knacks, and other memorabilia. The opportunity to learn about the dreams and aspirations, the trips, and achievements; things that you never thought to ask about while the person was here. Questions come up about how you never knew this or never knew that.
Take a trip down memory lane while reviewing old pictures and films. Photography gives a unique opportunity to step into another era. A person might see an image of their great-grandparent holding their grandparent as an infant or an intimate moment captured between a couple whose love for each other was evident in each snippet. Videos and tapes allow us the chance to hear a voice that seems to be fading into an abyss.
You come across an old recipe that reminds you of the taste of times past. A food served that doesn’t taste the same when made by anyone else. Holidays of yesteryear filled to the brim with a collage of conversations, smells, tastes, and family. Joys and sorrows are embedded in these moments, longing for another conversation at the breakfast table with someone dearly missed. Thoughts come flooding back of holidays that you no longer celebrate because it just isn’t the same.
Discoveries
And the rarest of opportunity, find something that has been in your family for over a hundred years; the realization that you hold something held by an ancestor from so long ago. You wonder if they ever fathomed that it would last more than five generations; that it was treated with reverence and respect by younger generations as it passed from hand to hand through the ages. Why was this item so important to the family, what was the historical significance? Oh, what a great mystery you may have just discovered!
Imagine finding a bunch of military medals that you never knew existed. Did the person who earned those not speak of them because the memory brought them pain or were they just too humble to tell their story? Maybe you find receipts from donations to a cause you didn’t realize held a place in their heart. Do you go back and research to learn more about these aspects of your loved one? Are you left with more questions than you had before you began?
Captured in time
These are all moments in time for someone. As Albert and I continue to evaluate what we will carry forward through our futures, we are undoubtedly more aware of what we are leaving behind for our children or our children’s children to sort, discover, and make their determinations. While we know that it is impossible to tell our entire life stories, we do hope that some of what is left behind is viewed as treasures. A hope that family to come might find similar joy in our creations, momentos, and trinkets. A voice that we leave behind to tell a little about who we are individually.
Dreams for the future
I hope the voice left behind isn’t overshadowed by the sorrow of loss or the arduous task of dealing with all that we stowed in the nooks and crannies of our home. We already have some things sorted between who should get what. Once we are gone, what happens to those items will no longer be up to us to decide. A choice that will have to be made by the next generation. It is interesting though to wonder what voices from the past they will bring forward into their future. What lessons from our ancestors will be shared to help the growth of our youth?
I pray that we make new memories with the family still here. We can share some of the lives of those who have gone before. I am optimistic that we will find new ways to make connections that last with those we hold most dear and a greater understanding of where we have come from.
